A Hyperbolic Spin: The Post Polls

"A media house is a business firm. It is unwise and imbecile of the audience to expect ethical and moral treatment of information from them!", remarked a vehement Jeemon Jacob (an award-winning investigative journalist and the South Indian chief of the Tehelka, upon meeting him at an event recently). True to his word, I have had my own misgivings on the authenticity and moderation various telecasts by all the media houses. But alas, we have let ourselves be engrossed in this mug's game.

The corporate run national media has yet again proved how manipulative of the public opinion it can be. In a swashbuckling post-poll coverage, every national channel seems to be in a contest on awarding vague and far-fetched numbers to the in-fray fronts. The channels have managed to create a bedlam among the public and a sense of optimism in the markets(things are looking bullish at Dalal Street with the Sensex soaring to all time highs, in the hopes of a stable conglomeration at Sansad Bhavan). 

I cannot be in agreement with these hyperbolic projections for more than one reasons :

1.Wave or a Monsoon?

Irrespective of how many parsecs Mr.Modi criss-crosses across the subcontinent, a Modi wave, tsunami or typhoon or not, BJP+(tantamount to the NDA) has its own demographic and geographic barriers. Even if it manages to sweep the Hindi heartland like a north-western Monsoon, the alliance making inroads into states where the principal party, ie. wherein the BJP has a scanty footfall like Tamil Nadu, West Bengal and Orissa, Andhra Pradesh, etc looks highly unlikely. All these states hold a massive chunk of the seats, and since the age of coalitions, it is a well-understood fact that it is impossible to form a stable government at the centre without the players from one of these states.

2. The Curious case of Uttar Pradesh

In what is phrased as a "nightmare for the psephologist", the state of U.P is a very tumultous issue. The margin of error could stand as high as +/- 15-20 seats, which could make the whole difference between the Modi bandwagon wheeling to 7RCR or not. Uttar Pradesh is a brewing cauldron. In the wake of the Muzzafarnagar riots, the western part of the state has witnessed an unprecendented polarization(not since the Ram Janmabhoomi movt led by Mr.Advani). The sprouting of the so called social coalitions have virtually decimated a whole host of traditional vote banks. With the non-Yadav OBCs and the Pasis rallying behind BJP and a fragmentation of the anti Modi muslim votes, western U.P becomes a safe bet for the BJP. At the same time, a great worry should be the uncertainity of the Poorvanchal(eastern U.P). Any undercurrents in the final few phases of polling towards the Bahujan Samaj Party doesn't seem very unlikely. In any case, a 50+ tally for the BJP in UP will be nothing short of a miracle.

3. The Regional Spoilsports

Most of these polls have persistently underestimated the presence of regional satraps. A vote against the incumbent is seen as a straight vote for the BJP. It is a highly precarious assumption to make in states like Bihar, where a resurgence of Lalu Prasad Yadav is sensed among the voters. The RJD-Cong alliance in Bihar is expected to notch up a meagre 10-14 seats out of a possible 40. For a party that has a goodwill and an organisational cadre-based network in the remotest corners of the state, 10-14 is a very underrated number. Similar is the case with debutant YSR Congress in Seemandhra. Though polls are prediciting a landslide win for the TDP-BJP in Seemandhra, the sympathy for late YSR and his populist schemes still has immense patronage in the coastal and Rayalaseema regions of Seemandhra. Also, there is a sense among the electorate that Jagan was the lone warrior who stood against the bifurcation of Andhra Pradesh. He could emerge as a dark-horse in the three way battle for the all crucial Seemandhra. These two states could throw up some very surprising results.

4. A flimsy national picture:

The national picture, or the "crunch numbers" projected at the end of the state wise dissection is more of a crude extrapolation (adding on to it the weightage of groundswell), rather than a cumulative representation of the state-wise figures. There is an extensive discrepancy between the two and state-wise numbers never add up to what is being claimed. The harsh fact as I mentioned before, is that there are pockets in this nation wherein the charisma of Mr.Modi cannot do the weightlifting to give his party an emphatic victory, though a marginal improvement in the vote share can be expected. It has also failed to incorporate the patterns of states like Karnataka and Rajasthan which has a history of voting against the trend in previous elections.

What is more irksome for the viewers is the incessant pow-vowing of these predictions. With over-sized panels and begotic politicians on board, you seem to wonder where is this cacophony heading to. Rather than letting the voters relax and breathe , after a month-long exposure to a campaign that was vociferous,vitriolic, exhaustive, unapologetic and fierce, the fourth-estate is in a race to beat an invisible record which they set for themselves. The results are poised to be out in less than 96 hours, and they should be reminded that our people have a highly tolerant character(India has the one among the lowest divorce rates in the world. No puns) In the cross currents of TRPs and catering true-genuine information, the fourth estate seems to have chosen the former.

Hence, considering all these factors, it is more likely that BJP+ may very well fall short of the projected numbers. My instinct, encompassing all the numerous factors like popular vote, anti incumbency, pro-incumbency, visceral sentiments of minorities, the geographic and demographic barriers, the BJP+ could end up with a 210-230 tally, which is a very much formidable and logical number to run a coalition, though it thwarts the "wave" or the "mission 272+". And on a personal note, it is always healthy not to give a single party the clear mandate. A 272- NDA(present) can be more regionally representative by alluring regional factions from across the country, which wouldn't need a herculean effort. As and when Mr.Modi crosses the 200 mark, he will be unstoppable. Hitherto, 272 doesn't look like a magical figure anymore. All the critics and regional moghüls who clamoured and digressed the public discourse to a Communalism vs Secularism debate, will kiss his ring to claim a sip from the holy grail(Sharad Pawar has epitomized this political chameleonism more than once).

This season, suprisingly, the Election commision has posed as a very timid institution. Mr.Sampath (the opposition pointing out the homophone betweem "Sampath" and "10 janpath"), has terribly failed in maintaining the decorum for a free and fair election. The timidity is as white as milk, when the media giants managed to override the suggestion put forth by the CEC not to air post-poll verdicts on Monday as polling in certain booths in Telengana was pending. It comes as a surprise, because the same EC under Mr.T.N.Sheshan was known for holding the whip against anybody who dared the institution. Mr.Seshan's contribution to Indian elections can never be forgotten, and is indicative from the largely peaceful campaigns and polling in the 90s. The commision imminently needs to revise the rules relating to on-ground malpractices as well as its jurisdiction on mass & social media, to restore the credibility of the constitutional body and the faith deposed in it by the 800 million voters. The autonomy of the institution must mean that none have the authority to ride roughshod over the organisation. It should be well equipped to hold firm to the ground.

On the 16th of May, when the curtains fall on the most important electoral process our country has seen, hearts may be shattered, ambitions may plunder, hopes maybe rekindled and new doors may open for the future our country. In what is called a landmark democratic process in the world, the world will yet again witness, how the largest democracy in the world has managed to hold-fast to its principles and not let it go astray. With countries like China holding elections for a trivial cause anymore, transparent elections in India are indicative of the tolerant and optimistic nature of our deeply ingrained culture. We must all take immense pride in this quinquennial spectacle.

On the strike of 8 a.m , when counting begins, the news traders will put a plethora of issues under the knife : post-result equations, shift of allegiences, et al, a few pairs of eyes like mine will also be verifying the credibility of the hyperbolic claims.

As the age old aphorism goes, "May the Best man win".

India awaits. Tick tock.

The plight of Desi Boys: an unravelling of the deep-rooted propaganda

Though,traditionally,the western world regards Indian women to be the submissive,meeky, shy, hiding-behind the curtain cloth type , there was always the dormant alter-ego which was battling the constraints of conventionalism and the great Indian propriety. You can't complain the Whites either for their conception, when we ourselves served fodder with our practises.

Adhering to the societal dignity of their family, the Indian wives were bound to defend and espouse their husbands even in the face of a misdeed commited by him which brings shame to the same 'dignity' she is protecting. Men, were thus immune from losing the respect of the world. He never mulled over the kind of grief and embarrasment his lady may be subjected to.

In the event of a skirmish between the two, the society always held the women responsible. According to the incontrovertible union of ageing grey-haired parents and in-laws, men must stay pervicacious and women must make the effort to bury the hatchet. The effort may vary from spending hours in the kitchen scrambling over innumerable culinary delicacies; weighing the odds on the number of tinches of salt or sesame her 'better-half' may prefer , to making herself look pleasing by smearing her face with extra talc or festooning her braided hair with aromatic lily flowers. The man's adamance quells, and everything rolls back to the quasi-hunky-dory at home.

By the turn of the 80s, this narration wasn't to be. The emancipation arrived in the form of televisions. Once reserved to the sleeveless mommy-darling rotary women's clubs and societies, TV sets gradually found their way into the middle-class homes. Along with it came unexplored lifestyles , cultures and possibilities. The once stereotyped frail, timid and pusillanimous figure was now a strong, aplomb, and guileful woman who had the wit to challenge the conventions of the aforesaid 'incontrovertible union'. Women could never again be kept in the dark on whom is she going to spend her lifetime with.

She was enchanted by the hippie of Boris Becker dancing in resonance to his tennis rackets. She was mesmerized by the baby-faced Aamir Khan singing Papa Kehthe hain Bada Naam Karega at his fairwell party. Hearts were shattered when Ravi Shastri's alleged affair with Amrita Singh came to the limelight. Hours were spent on sympathising with Demi Moore for losing her soul-mate, the then heart-throb Patrick Swayze in the 1991 supernatural drama Ghost(it was also rumored the same women wept for hours when Cancer claimed him in '09). They witnessed the transition of Shahrukh Khan from being a soapstar(as Raghavan in Aziz Mirza's soap drama Circus and the excellent Fauji) to arguably the most sought-after actor in Asian cinema.

Bollywood & pop culture were deeply ingrained in the women of the 80s , and contributed ardently to the empowerment of the inept Indian woman. Must say,it wasn't stagnant. The confidence and out-spokenness grew proportional to the number of TV channels they were exposed to.

Love has always been(and still is) considered a taboo. Irrespective of the quantum of westernisation that has been afflicted upon, the Indian daddies and mommies still find it bonkers and precarious for their baby dolls. They still make much ado for the most inanest of issues like a guy calling their baby doll at 12 noon. The girls had to unwillingly friendzone every single guy who proposed them. The sheer thought of what lay ahead(estrangement was the traditional curse), if a love letter was found in her room in one of those lightning raids their rooms were subjected to sporadically, made them aghast.

But many skillfully managed to outfox their parents.

Now here comes the real downside of the disproportionate exposure to arts and culture they received. On one side we have girls who desperately want to fall in love but can't fly out of their nests , while on the other , we have girls who face no hassles BUT SET BLOODY CRITERIA ON THEIR PREFERENCE.

In the 90s, picturising every men they meet to be Rajiv Gandhi or Aamir Khan or Ravi Shastri became ubiquitous. In the 2000s , it evolved into the Ik Pal Ka Jeena hunky Hrithik Roshan with shirt-tearing bisceps. Poor lads spent hours working on the iconic step from his debut Kaho Na Pyaar Hai. The egg and protein supplement sale in soared to an all time high, with production units abroad not able to the satiate the highly demanding Indian markets. I don't know of what happened to those locale Kapoors and Roshans, but I can say this with conviction that all those chicks who demanded the unlikely from those poor desi-boys , married off an IT dawg their parent's matchmade for them after rigorous consultations on the alignment, collision and annihilation of the celestial bodies(and the girl) which they claim has the life-map of every single Hindu in India. Those dames put the lives of my desi boys on the rocks. *Sad Music on Violin, play*

I cannot empathize with them as they belonged to another era (Yes.  I am coming to it! :D).

2010s

10 years is a pretty long time.
Times have changed.
Winds have changed.
IT boom is over.

*Cricket has evolved so much that no more Ravi Shastris can demoralize the minds of people.

*R.I.P Rajiv Gandhi and thankfully your son is so dumb that he is almost innocuous to the common man.

*Hrithik Roshan got hitched to Suzanne(much after the aforementioned dames spoiled the lives of desi boys).

*Shahrukh Khan from being an innocent soap-star has become a supreme celebrity who has bought humungous awards on the way(You read me right).

Succinctly putting forth, almost everything palpable thing has undergone a change or two .(Talking about change,gritty red-eyed bus conductors threaten you if don't have 'change'. That is a change from the conventional system of 'change' , from which you can infer the change the world has undergone).

But something hasn't. . . .

Voíla! WOMEN AND THEIR F*%#ING CHOICES WHEN IT COMES TO MEN!

Even when they spend their Daddy's hard-earned quids on Colonel Sander's corrupted recipe on hens , which they now serve in red coloured buckets and tanks, they are turning a blind eye to the fact that these hens feed on the same WORMS , REPTILES , LIZARDS , SPIDERS , ROACHES which supposedly "freak" these people out. I can't fathom the psychosis which is leading to this paranoia for harmless life-forms, among these pampered sweethearts.

From where I see it , these pink-loving, real life adaptation of Barbie dolls have crossed many major wide stretches of oceans and seas like the Arabian Sea, Red Sea, Medeterranian Sea , Atlantic ocean to reach the land of self-glorification and head-quarters of global patrolling and jassoosi(Snooping) ; the land which the India Inc, lovingly calls Uncle Sam : U.S of A.

As a dilligent and empathetic representative of the Federation of All Desperate and Heart-Broken Indian Men(FADHBIM) , I had like to bring to your notice that Hollywood hills in L.A harbours the two greatest modern day nemesis of our league : Channing Tatum and Ryan Gosling.

Not a day passes by for the cheedly-cuddly-cutie sweethearts without chanting the names of these Greek Gods. Acceptable.

But how on earth can they expect us, the rice-eating, chaa-drinking, apathetic, lazy arsed, dark desi laadlaas to be their Ryan Goslings and Channing tatums? As the facade of the FADHBIM , I strongly detest and protest your demand. What will become of our boys, in that case?

(Ornob Goshwaamy incoming)

Never ever , ever ever , juxtapose a desi boy with your white trash heart-throbs. We belong to a class of our own. And the nation needs an answer tonight! *Fuming Ornob*

Shaanth ho jaao Arnab baba, aapki madad chaahiye toh hum bilkul bula lenge. Aap jaakar Congress or BJP ki vaat lagaiye. Sachi , hum sambhaalenge. ( What the hell does this married nut-crack want?! -.-)

Let this be the clarion call , Ladies.

- We desis live in a tropical country. We are exposed to the raw sun while alternating between one line bus to the other. We reside in chimney cities like Mumbai and Delhi. It is unwise of you to expect us to be fair and handsome.

- We eat roti, sambhar, curd-rice, idly-vadai, et al. If you are large hearted enough to supply us with imported sushi, sashimi, pancakes, pasta and meat balls, we will be very glad to be your Gosling or Tatum.

- Asking broke desi boys to overhaul their drink from Rum or Whiskey to shots of Vodka or Martini is like asking the Congress Party to choose a better Prime Minister than Manmohan Singh.

Despite of all these handicaps , we will not let anything happen to you. We will defend you with all our strength and will power, unlike Gosling and Tatum. With Gosling and Tatum, all women suffer very bad. Rachel McAdams suffered memory losses with both of them , in The Notebook and The Vow respectively. So it is safe to assume that both of those sulking bastards would cast a spell on you for Box Office gains.

But we never do that. We don't have anything to gain out of anything. We are jobless, basically. Oops. *Puppy Dog Eyes*

On a wrap-up note , there are always exceptions. There are women out there who aren't visceral and who don't set these boorish benchmarks. There are men like-wise who can be accomodative and affable. (And sometimes good-looking as well !) Albeit habits like friendzoning, brotherzoning(which smothers our fellow Desi boys to death) will die hard, we are the most optimistic of people in the world. "I have a dream that one day, girls will put down the false dread for harmless life-forms, so that we men can comfort them from the heart. I also have a dream that the sly propaganda by Hollywood will be put to rest by U.S of A's own racist , obese, fast-food binging women. I also have a dream that our Desi Boys will have better luck than being friendzoned and brotherzoned."

...faint echoes of Ornob thundering..

..How dare you question the integrity of Indian Men?! I'm taking the charge to the women community of the country! The nation needs an answer...

N.B : This is a material of pure fiction and any act of derogation is not intentional and I deeply regret if I have provoked the sentiments of any gender.